Weird ass dream.
Okay...
So it started out like a movie...sorta...with parts interspersed with me in it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Start Dream ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The movie's premise was that this man, loved a woman in some small village in a forest type jungle area, he was then taken away and banished from the village for some reason I dont know. He then was put into some military thing where he somehow got transformed into a girl. This girl then trained, and stuff to become stronger to escape. When she escaped she was chased by dogs, but jumped up trees and hung on some sorta elastic band (sorta looked like those bracelets people have nowadays) while the dogs couldnt reach. She stayed there for a few days, then jumped down. Oh, did I mention that the actress who played her was Demi Moore? Yah, well it was.
OH YAH! There was something before that with Ed and my friend Keith that lives up the street from me...talking about a job or something...and some sorta dinner...and wanting me to go, and somehow Ed and Keith knew each other! ANYWAYS...back to the other part of the f-ed up dream.
So then I was randomly inserted into this movie and Demi Moore and I had a lot in common, minus the sex change thing. Whenever we dated someone, they would look similar and be equally as attractive, and whenever something kinda happened in her life, something would in mine. Then I kinda disappeared from there, and Demi Moore was going back to her home village in a disguise. She snuck in pretending to be the mayor of the village or something...and the guards approached her and she was scared, but her disguise worked and they talked to her about normal mayor stuff.
She went into the village and met up with the woman she loved, who seemed excited to see her. However, for some reason she turned into a hot black woman...and her name turned into Brendan! (hahaha, sorrie Brendan) She had the letters of her name across her upper chest and was wearing a low cut shirt so you could see it. Anyways, the story progressed to show that the woman loved the black woman who was formerly a man...but was also confused, and loved someone else that she met while Brendan was away. Oh wait, I forgot...I turned into that girl in the village...but I actually was me, so not a girl anymore...then my sister and I drove away in her SRT-4 to like montreal....hahahah
Next f-ed up part warped me to walking to Physical Geography class. I was rushing to class cause I was late (as per usual for that class) and I walked to the door and openned it and to my surprise, my old high school earth sci teacher came out! He was now teaching at the university and in my class with my current prof already. I went in and looked for Ricardo, but he wasnt there, so I tried to find a seat somewhere else. I put my stuff down and I realised I forgot something so I ran out, and came back in, and then I couldnt find my stuff and I thought someone was in the seat where I put my stuff, but then they directed me to my real seat. And a marked test was there, for some reason the person in that seat got it for me and put it at my seat. I was kinda shocked..so I kinda just smiled and said thanks. Then he continued to talk to me and hit on me. I could also feel that everyone was giving me a weird look of desire...and they for some strange reason, all wanted me. Just the people in the immediate circle around me, though they were complete strangers. It kinda felt good...but also very creepy. So then Aaron Buckstein comes by and starts talking to me and we're all surprised to see each other. I was more surprised to see him in Physical Geography course then anything else. Then class started (late as usual...thats why I go late~) And then for some reason...Aaron and his drama crew broke into song! I was really confused...but I did watch this one video online like...4 months ago where some kids did that in a university lecture. Anyways, yah, so they're singing, the lights go dark. Some girl beside me gives me a dirty look..and I kinda just smile and look away. Then for some reason (Insert J name) comes and starts stripping me and feeling me up! I was all like..."Woah! You cant be doing this here!" the girls all gave a strange jealous look but couldnt see fully cause I was covering up and stuff. J-name laughs and keeps going for a bit. I kinda push him off, not too hard cause I still kinda wanted it, but then I really pushed him off. He was like, okay, and kinda just sits back behind me. I put on my sweater which is thankfully long enough to cover passed my crotch, and the girl beside me gets mad and steals my notebooks and tries to leave. I stop her, and get them back and she gives them back reluctantly...seeming hurt. I was kinda like...uhh, sorrie, and I went back to my seat. By now the musical in class was still going on, and they tried to get people to go up and strip to their underwear and dance. People around me tried to coax me into going up...but I didnt cause I was still trying to put on my clothes!
Finally I left the class, and for some reason I was just wearing a towel because I either went swimming or took a shower. Then I was going back to my "res" which really looked like a hotel in a mall. I stopped by this cell phone place in the lobby, and almost bought one, but then I saw Gilbert, he was also in a towel. He was asking the lady at the lobby if he could use a garbage can beside him, she said yes. He threw some condoms and stuff in there, and I was like "Gil!!! What are you doing!?!? Bad Gil!!" and he was like "Whaaaaaaaaaat?" I kinda gave him a weird look and remembered that he was Gil, and that I should just let him do what he wants. So I walked away, and saw stupid ugly STD. She gave me a mean glare as she always does, and I was wearing a towel and figured she'd do something stupid like steal it so I tried to walk around fast without doing anything to her. She then kicked me and I was like..."What the hell!? You just kicked me?!" and she was like "You're such a liar, I never did anything like that!!!" then I said "Clearly you JUST did it! How are you so stupid!?" and she yells "I AM CALM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" to which I reply "You're not worth my time...get the hell away from me." and I move onto my room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End Dream~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So yah, thats my f-ed up dream...
Insecurity.
Yah, a little lesson I need to learn about insecurity...is that I cant let other people's insecurity affect me. Really not a healthy thing to do, but I feel how they feel most of the time because its easy to get wrapped up in someone elses feelings I think.
It's a horrible thing...I mean, most of the time I'm pretty secure and I can relax about things, but when other people are more insecure about things that concern me, then I begin to doubt things that I've normally doubted and overcome. I think because I believe that things are always subject to change that things arent always going to be secure, and thus I feel insecure at times when other people feel insecure because I figure..things must be happening to make them feel like that (regarding matters with myself at least). In reality...it could be the person being completely insecure on their own tangent completely unrelated to how I am, and really more along the lines of their own issues.
I see this more and more...not to say that I'm completely stable all the time, but at least I can take refuge in knowing that I'm relatively stable most of the time and not some crazy loose cannon.
"Foxy Love may be loose, but she aint no cannon!"I'll take heart in the fact that I know myself well enough that I will know when I'm screwing up because I'm confident in myself, and I know that my friends will tell me when I'm being a fuck up and I wont rely on underlying signals that are misinterpretted by the insecurity of others. I clearly read wayy too much into people and need to tone it down so I can relax in life just that little bit more.
Frankly, I'm surprised that so many people are so insecure...? I figure around my age that people would start figuring things out more and more? But I guess that there could be unforeseen circumstances that could happen in the future that could screw you up. I'll just hope that I stay pretty secure with myself for a long time. I know I'm not always going to be, and I shouldnt fear being lost in emotions. I generally know my way around this little brain of mine, so I should be pretty safe.
I mean, its unrealistic for me to think that I'm the smartest/best looking/most amazing person in the world. Thats not what keeps me warm at night anyways. I believe the root of my security lies in my family and friends. Of course being not ugly, not dumb (too dumb :P) and not a bad person helps, but I dont need all that stuff to put myself above other people. Its helpful towards my self-esteem, but I dont want to be the most amazing person out there...who wants to be with someone who's perfect anyway? Its way too much of a power imbalance, and thats not what i would call a healthy relationship, friend or otherwise.
All I am, is what you see here. A normal boy, no better, no worse than anyone else. I mean, I love to talk shit and always be like "Hahhaha, they dont compare to meeeee! Hahahha" but thats all jokes. People can think I'm worse or better than them if thats how they like to think and thats their opinion that I'll be thankful for either way. You just cant please everyone I guess. You can only please yourself enough to be secure with yourself, not that there isnt room for improvement, but yah. you know what I mean :P
Anyways, this is the end of my rant on insecurity, I hope you enjoyed!...hahah :P
Saving Face!
Ooo...that was such a good movie!
I think I'm going to try and make people see it~! I'm not sure if the other races really understood it as much...but I really liked it!
I sorta see aspects of myself in that Vivian girl. With her strange signals and stuff...and her emotionalness. Hahahah, like when she was mad at Wil, and Wil was like "Oh...Can I come in?" and Vivian was like "I dont know...you're late.." and Wil was like..."Oh...okay..." and Vivian was like "Thats it!? You're not even going to try??" hahahaha...so cute!
Oh the little games people play in relationships to prompt reactions out of people. Its kinda bitchy if ya think about it...but at the same time, I could also see myself saying "oh...okay..." and walking away.
Ahh...hot asian women are pretty fun to watch...hahahahha...:) Watch the movie!
Hmm...
What does someone do when their morals and goals come to a cross road?
Is one stronger...? Shouldnt morals and goals coincide? I've got a problem if they dont...something is wrong, and I'd doubt that it's my morals...
Riddle me this?
Why am I such an idiot sometimes?
Parents suck.
Adjusting to living at home again is really quite a challenge.
Just like a minute ago my dad tells me (because they're going away for the weekend) "We dont want anyone staying over, and we dont want you to stay over at anyone's without clearing it with us first."
I'm back in the child's safety seat...Why do they have to try and control my life...? Cant they just let me live it the way I want it...? I can understand that they want me to be a certain way like all parents would want their children to be...but there's a point where they should see that their children arent theirs to control, but are just there for them to love.
I understand its coming from a good place, so I didnt get angry and talk back...but its still very frustrating. I'll be mature about it and talk to them later. I mean, okay, I can understand not allowing people staying over here, but why cant I stay over without them approving of it? But I dont get checked on at res?
I know that question pops up in a lot of people's minds...something is bizzare about living under your parents roof. They somehow think that because of that, you relinquish all freedom? Damn, they're like nazi's with their "best interests" for me in mind.
This is going to be one helluva talk I'm going to have to have with them. Will they listen? Lets hope so. I think I'm being completely logical and rational, and that 'protecting' me by not letting me do stuff is just absurd. I know they want me to learn from only good experiences...but that wont teach me everything. No wonder why I'm so sheltered, I never get a chance to experience the bad side of things on my own. I know they exist, I just dont get to see them...which to an extent is good, and I know many people who would want that...but I'm not one of them.
I'll embrace the pain, and the hurt and transform it into knowledge. I'm not an emotional weakling, I'm a strong person who can take what the world gives and turn it around into something positive. I love my parents for protecting me...but I dont need to be protected from pain, or else I'll never learn how to deal with it.
Charmed!
Charmed has been renewed for an 8th season! Yay!
Random Inner Thoughts.
So...ya.
I was talking with someone who really helped me work through some stuff, and I realise now that instead of saying...this isnt perfect, therefore it must be wrong, I have to learn more how to accept things for the way they are, or at least try and change them. Backing down and thinking..."Shit, this isnt perfect, why should I try?" is such a cowards way out. I didnt realise how big of a coward I can be sometimes.
I know I'm a perfectionist...and I love things to be "just so" but they cant always be, and its about time that I accept that. If something isnt perfect, why shy away from it? Not everything can be as easily handed to me in life. I recognize that I'm a very lucky guy, who's been given a LOT of blessings, so why not work for them too? Things just shouldnt fall into my lap the way they do when so many other people dont get that luxury.
So I will work
and I will have fun with it until hope is gone. Which for me personally...is a long ways away.
I should have a "Welcome to the Real World" coming out party or something...I'm far too spoiled.
Time to grow up Brad...time to grow up...
Who pulled their C4 spinal nerve?
I did, thats who.
How, you ask? I dont know, but sometime on Sunday. Might have been roofing...My whole right arm and right upper back feel kinda funky...numb-ish. I'm sitting around here, probably reeking of chinese medicine...god damn.
Whoopsssssss...
Why is it that whenever I'm out late, I come back right when my parents are leaving for work...? HAhahahhaa...
Interesting things happen at night.
hhahaha, okay, going to Coledale roof is always a fun time, but even more fun when gay mafia people playing strip basketball are there at 2am :P
Okay okay, maybe they were gay mafia or playing strip basketball, but its fun to think they were and that they chased us. hahahhahaha
Also had an interesting talk with Ed and Fatima about...well, society I guess. I think I need to clarify my thoughts on this a bit though. I'm not sure exactly what I think anymore, so here's just a jumbled rambled bunch of ideas that might not necessarily make sense. Essentially I think that the overtness of the gay community places a larger barrier between them and the mainstream society which would lead them to be further discriminated against. I think if they made a less (less, not completely destroy it) overt display of this stereotype, but more a display of a gay that works with society, then people might accept them a little more than they do. All these negatives stereotypes are enhanced by these overt gestures leaving people more hateful, and afraid of these big stereotypes.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but another argument against this was that these displays have to be so overt, and these stereotypes have to be supported and to be taken as something to be proud of, to spite the mainstream society and show them not to screw with the gay community. To essentially, convert the negative publicity towards them into a message back saying, "We're empowered by this image to spite you.", type-o-thing.
Well, I personally disagree with this spite thing. It just goes against my morals and values really. I know I'm a raging idealist and optumist, but I still think that you should be the bigger person. Its like dealing with a bully that is bigger and stronger than you, you just leave them at their own devices, then they find someone else to pick on cause you're boring. I dont mean stand down completely, just something more civilized? I dont believe in fighting fire with fire, or an eye for an eye.
I do, however, agree this action that has been taken was a good starting point to get things known. If it were toned down now, then people could be less afraid and more accepting. They'll see that everyday people are gay and not worrie about it because they're see that there is nothing to be afraid of or awkward about.
I also think that it is a good thing to absorb this negative image and turn it into a positive empowering message for much of the gay community. BUT, and this is a big but, you shouldnt be doing it for spite. Spite will only breed more conflict that is unwanted. If you're the bigger person, somewhere along the line, someone will respect you for it and notice. I say this only talking from my personal experience though, which is limited living in Unionville. I acknowledge that I've lived a sheltered and lucky life, and I still believe that other people arent nearly as bad as everyone thinks. If I believe that, then I'd have to believe that this world has no hope to be better and happier, which I refuse to believe.
The best thing that came out of this debate is that my passion and zest for wanting to change society and help as many people as I can has kinda been rekindled. I do understand this world isnt the beautiful place I percieve it to be at times, but I refuse to become cynical.
I guess its just my problem with trying to see the best in things. The goodness inside type of thing...it makes me a little more ignorant to the bad things, I acknowledge it...but I dont know if I want to change it or not...
I hope I understand the other argument well enough...my listening skills were on the fritz as my ears arent popping cause I'm a little sick, and I was a little on the tired side. Really sorrie also if I mad you guys mad with my strange view on things. I really just want everyone to get along, as impossible as that is. By the way, feel free to rip up my argument. I'm really interested into hearing what other people think about this subject. Its quite heated.
Idealism and a sheltered life? Perhaps not the best combination :P
Anyways, maybe I'll think more about this later and post, but thats all for now! All in all, the night was really fun. I was sufficiently entertained by the strange people chasing us and the strange man at the hotel...hahahhaha...we need to go hotel bathroom hoppin' ;)
Happy Mother's Day!
So its mother's day. We had a little BBQ with the family for the day...its strange being home again, being everyone's little brother, or little baby...I feel more grown up, but I dont think they see that. Always trying to control me...
Even my sister is getting in on the demands. Everyone wants me to do "my fair share", as they see fit. They command me all over the place telling me to go get something, go clean this, go make this etc. The list goes on. And I do it. Why? To avoid conflict, to keep everyone happy. Why did I do it before when I was little? Because I was (am) extremely passive. I just want to keep people happy, but does that mean that I shouldnt be happy? No...but at least I'm getting back to how things used to be.
Had a nice talk with Ed and Andrew (to some extent seann, tho he was passed out). It was kinda just an idealogical argument, and our different views. And one thing really stuck in my mind after talking to them. If I'm so passive, and just trying to accept people and not change things, doesnt that mean that I dont care about things enough to do something? I thought about this for a while...I figured it out though.
What I do care about is letting people live the way they want to. I'm not someone to tell someone to do something they dont want to do. I believe that they'll come to terms with things on their own. I do however, appreciate that other people care enough to try to change people to accept their morals, morals that I share. Its just that my priorities are slightly different. I just dont believe in forcing my beliefs on people, even if they are for the better. Its just not something I do anymore. I'll present my opinion and leave them to deal with what they think about it. Some people need that kinda space I think, but also, some people do need to have it pushed at them before they understand another point of view.
I think both ways of thinking are great. Everyone just has their own way of doing something, and I think its great that everyone can do it differently.
Anyways, time to go watch some desperate housewives, WEEeeee~
P.S.
Thanks for the talk, it was really helpful guys!
Finished Exams!
Woo hoo!
So I've finished my last exam...yesterday. Wow, yesterday was just an amazing day. Everything went so perfect. A good exam, beautiful weather, waking up not tired (with 3 hours of sleep), people coming over to celebrate, had time to exercise and clean up!
I feel refreshed! Well, at least until I had a huge banging on my door at 9am...I forgot most of my roommates were gone and I was gonna get up and yell at them, but then it was the scary dude that cleans out rooms when people leave. He comes in, and I'm sleeping in my boxers, and trying to put some clothes on to get to the door and he's all weirded out. My eyes were so tired I really almost couldnt open them! I only had 3 hours of sleep too! Gee wiz...
Now to go back home and get to work, so I have money again, yay!~ Just waiting for my parents, and I never realised that my shoe collection grew. Quite impressively for someone who normally doesnt like shoes. I came with 2 pairs, I leave with 5. Well, I got a new pair of runners, boots, and dress shoes while I was here, so I guess it makes sense.
Anyways, I guess I should start packing up my comp before parents get here so I can leave and hopefully meet up with some peoples in markham. Weeeee!
Weird Dream.
Okay, so I had this really f-ed up dream where I was at the Golden Regency and some wedding was going on (We were there for my mom's b-day and there was actually a wedding going on). And for some reason I was actually watching the wedding instead of just eatting with my family. It turned out that my uncle steve was there being creepy as usual...I dont know why though. But anyways, I started feeling really light, but thought nothing of it, and I was running to get some basket at this table, my uncle was watching me cause he thought I was doing something bad...then I was running back and then I started to lift off the ground! I grabbed a chair in hopes to stay grounded but to no avail. I was getting carried away, and my body felt tingly all over, like I had pins and needles everywhere...and I couldnt control it or do anything. I was scared shitless to say the least, but I tried to stay calm and find a way to deal, but I couldnt control anything...and I was just floating up at the top of the ceiling...I think only one other person was up there...but then everyone else just watched in astonishment. I dont remember who was up there with me..I'm pretty sure it was an asian guy tho.
Then I woke up and kinda jumped and my whole body still had the pins and needles. It was kinda a cool feeling, I dont think I've really had a 'flying' dream before. I dont think this counts, but it was definately different to experience.
In other news, I'm going to be fighting all these distractions that keep coming my way and do well in this damn exam! Grrr...:P
Happy Belated Birthday Mums!!
