Dreams.

ah ha!

Solution to being uptight, Stop caring about things. Kinda sounds vague, and obvious, but meh. Friends problem going out the window, why? because I dont care anymore. If something annoys me, I'll just drop it, or be like, whatever. It seems that being uptight makes me care more about things, but if I dont care about things...who will? Hmm...This isnt good...If I'm not uptight...then...I'll be happy, but then...things might not turn out for the best...? If i wasnt uptight about being environmental, then...I would end up hurting the world...well, I guess I have to be uptight about somethings, I'll just let friends slide to make me feel better. Ah ha! Best of both worlds.

Anyways,
I feel like shit! I hate being sick!!! Its the worst thing, you cant do anything when you're sick...my throat hurts, so I cant yell! Bleh...for some odd reason my ass hurts too, and my neck and shoulders. And no my ass doesnt hurt from being raped or as put by some "Have a glowy pen stuck up it" Its not my asshole that hurts, just my ass, the fleshy part. Geh...

Felix n Vivian's Dance teacher, SOOO hot..She's seems like a bitch, but I'd soooooo do her. Just a one night stand thing =) Holy DAMN with the wearing barely anything dancing latin styles =P Wooo! Again, good show guys~

Anyway, my cat seems to be wanting attention, so i better go him some.

oo, something to add!
Today at dinner, a glass dish EXPLODED out of NO WHERE!! It was very freaky!! Hmm...reminds me of the light almost falling on me, but stopped at the ceiling, but the glass dish exploded and I didnt get hurt, but it was only an arms length away from me! It exploded into literally, thousands of pieces, why? because my mom heated it in the microwave, and heated it on the stove...smart! I think...either someone, or something is trying to kill me and doing a horrible job at it, or someone, or thing is protecting me, fun stuff =)

Tailz's Tip of the Day: Dont heat glass on the stove after heating in the microwave!!

posted by Bradimon @ 5:27 p.m. 0 comments

Gawd I'm tired..

Came back from Felix n Vivian's Dance show. GOOD JOB GUYS!! Your teacher is hot, I'm not much of an ass man, but woo! I wish I coulda heard things more clearly...my eyes are popped cause I'm sick...maybe west nile? I'm actually thinking it might be now, I dont get sick that easily...but i feel like shit right now. Mentally, physically, ick.

More friendship issues, but I think its just me, I dont know how to act anymore, I've lost myself somewhere along the way...I'm really confused right now...and very tired...I have no will power left, for anything. Namely, holding my head up, literally, my head feels soo heavy right now! This weekend has gone by sooooo fast...I didnt even realize it was sunday today...frig...I'm at a point in my life where, i dont want to be me. I am a uptight, moody, bitch. I think even going through this weblog you can tell. It'd be nice to change it, but right now, I feel like crawling into a hole and dying. I'm sooooo tired...I'm dis-satisfied with things right now. And it pisses the fuck out of me. I need some changes, drastic changes. Something big, that will make me feel...better...but I dont know what...I dont know anything...wait, i lied, I know that I dont like who I am right now...what can I do about it though? Change is hard to do, and think of...maybe i'll crawl into an anti-social shell for a while, that wouldnt be so bad, I think I need to get away...maybe a trip..but thats not gonna happen...I dont know. but anti-social seems good for now. Though being anti-social is not much fun, it does save me from being pissed off more often than not. No wait, I need to accept that things change, and things wont always be the same, so why try and stop change? Maybe its time to be anti-social. Build up some will power? I dont even know how to build up will power. but I better find out before I ship my ass off to University...another huge step...I dont want to grow up...I'm perfectly happy being a 10 year old...or feeling and acting like one. Okay...well, step one, become...downtight...hah...lame. How? I have no clue, I should sleep on it. Somebody tell me what to do, i'm not thinking well...wtf, thinking well? I meant thinking right...see how fucked i am in the head right now?!
...
I feel like an outcast.

posted by Bradimon @ 11:12 p.m. 0 comments

Friends and friends are two entirely different things.

Friends tend to actually care about you, and actually take the time to think about you. They are amazing people that are sooo hard to come by...

Friends on the other hand, are a dime a dozen. Hell, I'm sure I could pick one out of my nose right now. They are there, for what? I dont know...

I think the word friend is taken too lightly nowadays. Being thrown around with the word love, which is much too powerful a word for us to be using on a daily basis, but thats a different story.

I have many friends, and extremely few friends. An example of this would be University fair today, I was upset, no one seems to listen to me, no one seems to care what I say or what I want, so I decided, if you dont care what I say or want, why should I talk. So I shut up and everyone thought I was mad. Then I actually did get mad because although everyone thought I was mad, they didnt do anything to even try and help. This is me being a selfish human and only caring about myself right now, but you cant blame me, I know thats what you do too, its human nature. I could see that some of my "friends" cared, and didnt say anything at all, but their body language, facial expressions and the tone in their voice was sincere and caring, and I could tell although they didnt offer any comfort, they were there to provide it which was enough. However, my "friends" that were there as well, saw the anger, saw the rage, asked me once, and moved on after I lied and said "No, I'm fine" Obviously not. They dropped it as if it were nothing and moved on. The joy in having friends...My friend who I will commend, Nathan, did have the balls to come up to me and ask me whats wrong, and attempted to make me happy again. While my other friends ignored me and went about their marry ways. If they didnt ignore me, they did a good job of hiding it. I know that most of my friends actually cared, and I saw it in their eyes, but a lot didnt even care. They ask once, and move on. What great friends I have. I think the problem is that they dont understand how I work, and that I dont understand how they work. I would be willing to put forth the effort to work on a better friendship, but its doubtful that they would even care. I think the people who tried to cheer me up know who they are, and I really appreciate your friendship...all others, probably dont know who they are.

Tailz's Tip of the Day: Dont live in a dream, friends should care

posted by Bradimon @ 4:46 p.m. 0 comments

I can understand more than anybody why people want to change themselves to fit in with everyone and be "normal" because everyone goes through that phase, but you have to realize (and I'm talking to someone specific, they know who they are) that being "different" and "weird" is the way to be. Do you ever here someone say "Yooo! I'm so cool because I'm normal!" Normal is another word (to me) for boring, predictable and common. Who wants to be common? I think that you're my friend because you arent afraid to be different, and thats a quality i really admire about you. Just because people think you're "different" it doesnt mean you're bad, or evil (although I know you would love to be). It means that they are judging you before they get to know you, and its their loss if they dont want to be your friend. BUT, if you really are thinking about...changing yourself for yourself, then I think you should give it a go, experiment with that again. I kno that the road that you're on is hard, extremely because everyone persecutes you for being who you are. Well, you know that I am here, and I know that you have a shiet load of people out there for you. So if you're seriously thinking about changing yourself, do it for yourself.

Another thing that I've been thinking about lately is still friendships, what the hell is up with them? I dont think I should settle for these shitty ass friendships. And you know whta the problem with them is? Communication. We dont speak our minds, we watch our mouths, and we have to be careful around each other. I certainly know how it feels for people to not communicate with you, and not tell you whats on their minds, because I'm living that right now. Hopefully i can change that. True friends do NOT keep secrets from each other. Even if friends have the best intentions of helping, for "Your own good" or to "Protect you". No, I'm sorry, but I'm a big boy, I can tie my shoes and take a piss by myself and everything. Let me have a chance to protect myself, and let me have a say in whats good for me and whats not. I'd like to think that I'm a really approachable person. Maybe some people get the impression that I'm not, but I am, if you come to me passively, civily, not with swords drawn and shouting battle cries at the top of your lungs. To all my friends reading this. PLEASE tell me if you think something is going on with us, something wrong, even something good. I dont like the feeling of losing friendships, i dont like the feeling of not knowing whats going on between us. I think all my friends are on a close enough level that we can be honest with each other. I really hate to think that a friend would misinterpret something and then be upset about it, and not even think about my side (Shaddup Sandy, I know you're sorry, this isnt about you =P). I would hate to see a perfectly good friendship go down the drain because of something stupid like that. I know that a lot of my friends are becoming distant, and I just talked to one of them, and things turned out alright. I suspected something was up, but it was only my over-analysing, but it could have killed our friendship. Communication maybe hard to deal with, but it's essentiel for a good friendship to survive.

Tailz's Friendly Tip of the Day: Communicate with your friends, Trust your friends, Appreciate your friends and you'll meet amazing people in the world.

posted by Bradimon @ 1:31 a.m. 0 comments

Ooo!!
One day, 1 hour and 54 minutes until Charmed starts =) WOoooo!!! I will hermit my ass tomorrow from 8 - 10pm, mwahahah!!

Anyway~
Last night, I had a sudden insight into the world of girls. Or into my world of girls anyway! It seemed before, that I was taking things far too seriously. No no no, seem is the wrong word, I was taking things far too seriously before. Being "uptight" if you will (moo ha ha). See, I felt really pressured when approaching girls before, as if I was being watched ever so closely, every detail, but then, does it matter? Does it matter if i fail miserably? No, because everything can still be fine in the end, it isnt the end of the world if I get shut down, sure it bruises my ego, but I heal fast =) Anyway, now that the pressure is off, I feel more...capable, and ready to go out and introduce myself to the world. But this sudden burst of knowledge couldnt have come to me without Sam's help. She really brought me to my senses...indirectly. Our relationship was a real eye opener. During the relationship, I was actually happy but scared at the same time. What if i was a horrible boyfriend, what if I didnt do something right? If i was, who would care? I had this crazy notion that she would go around spreading the word that I was the biggest idiot or whatever. Seems almost ironic...for those of us who know the situation...heh...anyway. I'm still the same person after the break-up, and she seems to be the same too, and things are pretty much back to how they were before. I'm a little off topic...so back to the topic, Sam helped open my eyes, and seeing how we are still friends (Thank god, I hoped it didnt stay weird forever) I see that its not the end of the world to have a quick lil relationship. It was fun, for the time, and its run its course and for it, I'm a lot wiser =)

Anyway, to school.
I got that "easy" Math test back...I got 1 question wrong, worth 2 marks...DAMN CARELESS MISTAKES!! I coulda got perfect...>_< I will settle for a 94% though..but GOD DAMNIT! Shaddup, I know I'm a wana be over-achiever! Ahhh...and tomorrow I have to explain an essay about how stupid citizens are and how we hide in a little safety blanket of ignorance pretending that the world issues dont exist. Should be interesting.

The secretaries at the school...are bitches, what can I say. They piss the fuck out of me! WHY ARE THEY SUCH BITCHES?! I understand how being asked the same questions over and over again can be annoying, BUT you ARE meant to do that, you are PAID to do it too. SO SUCK IT UP AND QUIT BEING SUCH A PUSSY ASS BITCHES!! If they bitch at me ONE more time, I'm gonna turn around and bitch RIGHT back. GAWD! When I was volunteering at the CNE (NEVER GO THERE) I had the answer the same god damn questions one after another, but I did it with my fake smile on and my fake polite attitude, and no one was the wiser. Sure it was annoying to answer the questions over and over and over again...(Can I go from the CNE to Ontario Place for free?) but I didnt give them attitude! Minus one lady who yelled at me cause she thought i was giving attitude (whore) but I was really laughing because she took two pamphlets and I was racing to get rid of them so I laughed to another volunteer and SOME HOW she thought I was laughing at her husband or wahtever. Retard ass whore, try and put my ass down, i'll kick her fat ass. Literally, it was about half the size of my desk, which is relatively large. Anyway, YA! I had to put up with all that shit, I didnt yell back at her, i took it with...and waited til she left to bitch about her. Thats what the stupid secretaries should do! I dont care if they bitch behind my back, they can do anything they fucking want, just dun give me attitude when you're suppose to be working for me! or at least my parents who pay their taxes! SO FUCK YOU UHS SECRETARY STAFF!!...piss me off...*grumbles*

Yes...That is all, have a nice day!

Tailz's Friendly Tip of the Day: Take no shit from anyone who is being paid by you, or at least by your parents, they should be so lucky that they are recieving your business. Bitches.

posted by Bradimon @ 6:28 p.m. 0 comments

Do do do...

School was very un-eventful today. But I think thats a good thing, considerin I've been as Nathan puts it "grumpy" lately. Its been a relatively good day. Nothing horrible happened, no lights fell on me, no surprise tests, no stupidness etc. etc. I think I'll just wonder around now with a "happy" mood and ignore all the people who piss me off, n what not, just forget'em, i think thats a good temporary solution.

O ya! New Dragon Ball Z episodes are on YTV! Woo hoo~ They fighting Boo, or is it Bu? whatever. Pink-blobby thing. Goten and Trunks are practicing the pansy fushion dance, I gota say, its hilarious to see them do it!

O ya! and Charmed (Fridays at 8:00pm channel 8 CTV) will be AMAZING when it comes on, AMAZING! Phoebe turns into a mermaid and wants to go away or something..but a MERMAID...oooo...very sexy~ She has painted on scales on her boobs! Should be a very...interesting show~

Hmm...it also seems that my cat is turning all lovie dovie...what the hell is wrong with him?! He used to be all...Get away from me, I'm too cool for you! And now all he wants is my attention...and I was able to teach him to stand up and sit on my lap if he wanted to be petted...its weird, he's 8 years old too! heh...guess you can teach old cats new tricks =)

Uhh...ya, nothin else to say =P

Tailz's Friendly Tip of the Day: Never give up on teaching your pets! THEY CAN LEARN! =)

posted by Bradimon @ 5:55 p.m. 0 comments

Bleh..

Here's something that puzzles me...It seems, that when you are mad and dont really wana talk to people, they want to talk to you, but when you are happy and willing to talk to people, they seem less enthused to talk to you. I wonder if it's just my perspective though, because when I'm upset, and dont want people to talk to me, i notice it more? and vice versa? or is it other people...frig. Humans are so damn confusing...

It seems things are clearing up between friends and I...I guess? I feel ignored to some degree though. Not going to specify which friends make me feel excluded, cause that wouldnt be right, but its just a certain group. I guess I'm not important enough to them? Meh, treat others the way you want to be treated right? So i might as well no care bout them back. But then again...I should be the bigger person...cause thats what I'm all about, becoming a better person despite others. But I'll tell you, its DAMN hard. I wish someone would do it with me...but again, everyone seems wrapped up in themselves, and dont seem to care. I'm not saying that its a horrible thing to do, because its REALLY hard to not be wrapped up in yourself, I really struggle with that...and a lot of the time, i give in to just forgetting about everyone, everything, and focus on me...Ahhh...more things to work on...o well, i have time =)

Anyway...School was a bitch today...God damn bio quiz...the wording screwed my ass over...Had some time to think while walking home today though, which is oddly becoming more and more rare...heh...and to think I used to think i thought to much =P (woo...too much of the word think in that sentence..bad me!)

OMFG, the light fixture almost just fell on me...wtf...HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN!? And now my Tumble comes in...and snoops around...stupid cat...better not get crushed...woo...that was freaky...now to wait for my dad to come home to dis-assemble the damn now hanging light fixture...

Well...that was enough excitement for this week~

Tailz's Friendly Tip: Stay away from light fixtures on the ceiling!!

posted by Bradimon @ 4:47 p.m. 0 comments

Ya kno..

I dont know why humans are so selfish...Is it just our nature? Why do we think that we own everything...just because we are more "intellegent" ? Says who? We say that we're more intellegent...We're the self-proclaimed most important and intellegent creatures of some odd millions of living creatures on this world. Why are we more important? It seems everyone thinks that way. Isnt the enviroment more important? How about other species? There are billions of humans, and we have soooo many endangered species, what makes us more important than them? Well, I say nothing. We arent more important, we're equal. My friend asked me, if a human was falling from an airplane, and an dog was falling from the same airplane, which would I save. The odd thing is I would save the human rather than the dog, but if it were an endangered tiger, I would save the tiger. It sucks to rank things like that, how bad horrible would it make you feel always to be 2nd place? Its not like animals dont have feelings, we're just lucky that animals dont understand us, because if they did, I would think they be pissed off! God knows I would be. I admit, I am selfish too, I bitch and rant about stupid things, friends, family, life, when there are much bigger problems out there. Environment, Animals, Peace. I'm so damn ignorant to these problems, and so focused on my petty little problems. I wonder if anyone else thinks about these problems...or care about these problems. Or do they only care about their own selfish problems, and live in their tiny shells away from the rest of the world. I figure...if humans werent so friggin selfish, the world could be a lot happier, mind you humans would have to take a huge step back, but isnt that worth life? Not just our lives, L - I - F - E, all life on this planet. Unless you want to be a selfish little prick ass punk and kill everything and everyone, because thats what we're doing right now. Hell, I dont know how, and I dont know where or when, but I'm hurting the world by typing this right now, but I'm too selfish to care. How sad...I'm not about to become amish, but I do think that we should start caring about more than just ourselves! Take a hit for the team, be more protective of ALL life, not just yours or those near you, L - I - F - E consists of all living things, plants, animals, bacteria, insects, etc etc.

Anywaaaay...
That math test, easy as pie. I dont see why I worried so much over it. The hard stuff wasnt even on it...stupid Finite Math...

I've also figured, why be mad at friends, it doesnt get you anywhere, unless you want to live alone in a hole somewhere near the center of the earth. I still am mad, but maybe I'm not giving my friends enough faith. I cant always focus on myself, however much fun it is.

Moral of the Day: Get over yourself

posted by Bradimon @ 5:02 p.m. 0 comments

Hmm...

3 hours later, and I'm still confused about Matrices...everything else is under my belt though..

Anyway...On the verge of a mental break down...all thanks to my friends...school and family...Dont get me wrong, they are really important to me, but at the same time...such a nuisance...My friends (Who shall remain nameless for my safety) make me feel like a reject, outcast, and seems like they dont trust me anymore. Well...not all of my friends have turned their backs, which I am glad to say, because without them, I would be probably crying in a hole somewhere. If you're reading this, you know who you are, and I want to thank you for being here for me.

School just complicates the friend matters more...I cant seem to concentrate as well anymore...or even study for that matter...This stuff isnt even hard, I'm just...lazy...I gota start managing my time better, or i'll probably just get my ass raped by school...

To make matters more complicated, I'm even confusing myself with...myself. I dont know who I am, or whats going on...at all. I'd like to think I know all about myself, but I dont...My mind is...messy. I cant even understand myself...This paired up with pressure of school, getting into University and stupid ass friends, drives me to the edge, where my sanity lays centimeters away from a huge cliff...geh...annoyances...

On a lighter note, its really interesting being back on the single front again, going through a relationship kinda leaves you feeling...empty inside. Also clarifying something, I never said Sam was horrible. *grumbles something about unfaithful friends* But I'm glad to say that I've learned lots from this relationship. I've learned what kind of girl I'm looking for, and how...I wont say love...its too strong of a word, but how "like" is you blind. I need a girlfriend who's willing to commit to the same degree as me. I also need to be less of a pussy, stand up for whatever I want, and not be so damn whipped =P

Oo...Lots more to get off my mind and down on paper...er...computer...whatever...but then again, what I've said only skims the top layer of my...discontent. I need to drag my sanity back onto some stable ground, and fast. I just dont know that I can trust people right now...My optumism, trust and nice-ness (i need a better word...) has been completely drained out, by the emotional truck my "friends" have hit me with.

Side Note: Its funny, it seems that colorgenics knows me pretty damn well...They even used the EXACT words that I was thinking! Friggin crazy...

Anyway...not looking forward to tomorrow...Test, Quiz and starting work on an english "Jig-Saw" Presentation...lame...

Time for some much needed rest...

posted by Bradimon @ 1:04 a.m. 0 comments

Welcome to the hell which is my mind.

I'm just going spew out my random thoughts and feelings on this page, cause I'm in front of the computer enough, and I'm too lazy to actually write things down, seeing as typing is sooooooo much easier =)

Well...I think I'll start later on tonight...or maybe tomorrow, I gotta a math test on Matrices, Interative Process and Graph Theory tomorrow, as well as a Biology Quiz on Linkages...Ether, Ester and Peptide...So, I should be studying now, and not typing this...but procrastination is my very close friend...>_<

O yes...I've decided to boycott "The New VR" (TV station) because they cancelled Charmed off their station...I've very upset with them for it. At least Charmed was adopted by CTV! Friday Nights, 8pm, Channel 8 (In Toronto) Go watch Charmed , You wont regret it! Hot girls, with magic. Whats not to like? Exactly, nothing, go watch. In closing...CTV GOOD! New VR BAD! Boycott The New VR too...Evil...>_<

k, imma shut up now, and get back to work..

posted by Bradimon @ 9:04 p.m. 0 comments