Dreams.

...

I have never been more gay.

posted by Bradimon @ 4:46 a.m. 0 comments

How about love?

There is so much pain associated with these kinds of shootings. So much friggin' pain... Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers, Nieces, Nephews, Grandmothers and Grandfathers... I'd like to say "I can't believe this would happen!" but the sad truth is - I can.

I got to thinking about what would drive someone to this, and what would actually be able to stop something like this from happening in the future... but it is really not very preventable. How do you stop a child from feeling outcast? Alone? Depressed? How can we as a society make people feel better about themselves? Even sending them to counselling takes them admitting they would need help, which takes a certain degree of humble...ness.

Then it is a question of raising your children well. How do we do this? Developmental psychologists tell us it is as simple as giving your children love and security. It takes that love to provide them with a good base to be secure as they grow up in this world. It is no news to us that the world is 'not fair', and it is easy to understand how an unstable individual living in an chaotic world would be lead to something as disastrous as this.

Are all loners shooters? No, of course not and I'm not going to pretend I know their 'profile' for fear of overgeneralization. I will venture to say that I think that these shootings can be stopped with - wait for it - love. I know...I know, anyone reading this right now is moaning and groaning about how cheesy I am (and you have good reason, because I am cheesy), but love could have prevented someone from doing this. I believe that if any shooters had someone that expressed their love and care for them, that they would have better coping mechanisms and be able to deal with feelings of isolation, depression, and fears that this world amply supplies us with.

I think a question that is on a lot of peoples minds are "Who can we blame this on?". The article in the Toronto Star implies that it is the University's fault. Others may blame the parents of the child. Though it is trivial to place blame, if I were to blame someone, I would blame the society. I don't want to get into long gory details of it, but to name a few things: Pressure to conform to the "American Dream", high standards of living leading to neglect of children, the idea that money will solve everything, capitalism, media...

What lesson are we to take away from this then? That we need to toughen up security on campuses? Will that really help or be a waste of money? I think the only thing we can really do to change this is to try to be genuinely nicer people. To be less judgemental and accept people as they are.

Maybe befriending people is too far of a leap, but a simple smile and some nice words go a long way. I am guilty of being a judgemental bitch who has mean thoughts of people as I walk down the street on occasion. I'll have to think more positively and smile again. If you feel this is stupid (which it kind of is) then at least love yourself - cause I'm sure you're awesome (especially if you read this!). I'm sure everyone has people out there that love them...though sometimes it isn't always admitted...admit it to them! Talk to them...sometimes it isn't always evident in our actions...gooooooooooooooo!

I will leave with a quote from Sir James M. Barrie (who? yah, I duno, found it online.)

posted by Bradimon @ 10:39 a.m. 0 comments

Buttons.

It is so rare to see someone with confidence, courage and bravery it takes to put yourself out there and try to get what you want. Charm? A rare quality nowadays. More often than not insecurities blare through these supposed thick bullet proof walls we hide them behind. These insecurities attack this romantic vision I have of a future partner..

I always have dreamt of some cocky - yet charming person to come in and swoop me off my feet. Someone that after I turn down, still tries for - some unknown reason - to be with me. It's overly romantic and I think I've seen some people try, but see through the insecurities...which makes it unattractive. It's not something you can fake... Life is never like TV or the movies, so I know I am expecting something that is probably the most impossible thing ever. Though...part of me hopes that there is that one rare person that will come to me...and make me feel the way I do in dreams.

Charm? Romance? Bravery? Confidence...all qualities I would like to have in myself and others more...what has happened to our generation? Are we so delicate?

posted by Bradimon @ 6:37 p.m. 0 comments

Dreams to dream.

Sometimes...irrational fears you have just...creep up on you. Even when you think you've used your logic stick to destroy it - the fears return.

It's like in all those TV shows, the monster shatters into pieces, melts and forms new ones and more of them! So frustrating...Irrational irrational irrational. I guess since it is irrational you can't beat it with logic right? But really your own willpower and your own sense of self.

I'm glad to say I haven't felt like this in a while, but I do feel it now and I shouldn't be afraid to own up to it. Yes, I do feel like I'm an incompetent boob, and that there is something inherently wrong with me as a person that is repulsive. And yes, I am insecure about a lot of things - but I am working on it.

Sometimes I'm not the nicest person, and sometimes I'm not the most moral person, but I can't always be and I shouldn't always have to be. Everyone has their down moments and needs to just pick themselves back up. So...time to be picking myself up yet again. It is tiresome yes, and sometimes I feel like saying..."why the hell am I doing this?" but there are a lot of really great things to live for that can only be experienced when not wallowing in self-pity.

I really do wonder why I don't like myself sometimes...do I build up some weird image of myself that I feel I have to live up to? I do. Doesn't really explain why I hate myself? Well, that's too much of a blanket statement...I only hate parts of myself. And we all hate parts of ourselves don't we, but again, we work on them...

So it's just something I need to work on.

I think I've been going about this all the wrong way too...I seek approval of others to approve myself, but really I just need to learn to approve of myself without caring what others think. It is disappointing, but can't dwell on these negative things for too long. Long enough to learn and think about it at least...

Sigh, well, back to the real world bradly...back to the real world.

posted by Bradimon @ 12:07 a.m. 0 comments

Gearin' it up.

So it would appear that we are getting older. This is more clear not because of my birthday last month...but my fathers yesterday. He turned 69....69!! Goodness, I should be doing a lot more than I am doing right now.

I am trying, and slowly getting there, but I still act like a child and percieve myself as a child. When I walk by people I always feel like a child. Maybe because I still look like one...I guess I need to step it up a notch and work somewhere with some semblence of dignity instead of a restaurant...

I wish I was more mature...but I can work towards it and grow towards it. I will save enough for a down payment on a condo in the next few years, and I will have place to call my own and I will have grown up that much more. Saving...working...schooling...volunteering, sporting...lots to do and lots to think about as I grow up. Sure I'm a lot younger than other people I know...and I'm further along still but that really doesn't mean much in terms of maturity.

Lots to learn...lots to learn.

posted by Bradimon @ 9:02 a.m. 0 comments