Dreams.

Dreams to dream.

Sometimes...irrational fears you have just...creep up on you. Even when you think you've used your logic stick to destroy it - the fears return.

It's like in all those TV shows, the monster shatters into pieces, melts and forms new ones and more of them! So frustrating...Irrational irrational irrational. I guess since it is irrational you can't beat it with logic right? But really your own willpower and your own sense of self.

I'm glad to say I haven't felt like this in a while, but I do feel it now and I shouldn't be afraid to own up to it. Yes, I do feel like I'm an incompetent boob, and that there is something inherently wrong with me as a person that is repulsive. And yes, I am insecure about a lot of things - but I am working on it.

Sometimes I'm not the nicest person, and sometimes I'm not the most moral person, but I can't always be and I shouldn't always have to be. Everyone has their down moments and needs to just pick themselves back up. So...time to be picking myself up yet again. It is tiresome yes, and sometimes I feel like saying..."why the hell am I doing this?" but there are a lot of really great things to live for that can only be experienced when not wallowing in self-pity.

I really do wonder why I don't like myself sometimes...do I build up some weird image of myself that I feel I have to live up to? I do. Doesn't really explain why I hate myself? Well, that's too much of a blanket statement...I only hate parts of myself. And we all hate parts of ourselves don't we, but again, we work on them...

So it's just something I need to work on.

I think I've been going about this all the wrong way too...I seek approval of others to approve myself, but really I just need to learn to approve of myself without caring what others think. It is disappointing, but can't dwell on these negative things for too long. Long enough to learn and think about it at least...

Sigh, well, back to the real world bradly...back to the real world.

posted by Bradimon @ 12:07 a.m.