I...waht?!
Something is amiss...
I miss people. Randomly hit with it yesterday...it continues today.
I miss Christine, racing against each other across the hill, going out for Pho at all hours, watching f-ed up movies, Phantasy Star Online, trying random restaurants.
I miss Grace, building forts - SP, bike riding, late night phone chats about everything in the world, and Pravat Caves.
I miss Cheryl, the random laser quest games, talks of drama, high school, fun times, bad times.
I miss Vicki, skipping holding hands, being best friends - then worst enemies - then best friends again, chasing down her ex and watching in the rain as she punch/kick and yelled at him, blasting hardcore indian music while driving by the school in her car that was almost dead that made a horrible screeching sound.
I miss Catherine, the anime loving feminist that is always in the middle of some sort of identity crisis, but always has time to help out a fellow friend.
I miss Eric, delivering flowers to in the depths of winter with him, making board games for gr. 9 tech with Gil, sleep overs to play Pokemon Stadium and talk about pokemon, neopets, warcraft, serious talks, fun talks, running around being stupid in High School.
I miss Fatima, with her random deeply opinionated talks of comics and bubble tea, sitting on her floor watching Mai HiME, sitting on her floor reading Young Avengers/Runaways/Civil Wars, sitting in her living room, voting for Melissa O'Neil.
I miss Sonia, her drunken-self, always a goof, her films, her random expressions of love, the nice things she does.
I miss Yosef, and his dancing - Shabooya! and his youthful spirit, crashing his house late at night, making brownies with Ed at his house (really just me making it), watching his head compress, pretty much everything this kid does.
I miss Brendan, three day marathons of X-Men Legends 2, Dynasty Warriors, comforting talks, talks of life, politics, drama, games and so much more.
I miss Brian, though I see him often.
I miss Seann, with all his quirks and his good nature.
I'd miss Ed, if I didn't see him everyday.
And of course...
I miss Mommy, with her cooking and thoughtfulness.
I miss Daddy, talking about politics and his strange jokes and language.
I miss Dana, and our talks of fun things, sad things, happy things, everythings.
I miss Marc, with our games and our special handshake.
I miss Lori, our shopping sprees, our random songs, and jokes.
I miss Keira, my precious beautiful niece that will one day save the world.
I miss Karen, with her sensible mature nature balanced well with her ability to have fun.
I miss my freedom - see these people whenever I please.
I miss more people than I can write on this blog. Rather that I have time to write...if I missed you, I miss you too! (wow, I just said miss waaaaaaaay too many times) Sure I talk to a lot of these people on a regular basis still, but it doesn't mean I can't miss theml Things have been so busy and hectic in life recently and I just miss being around everyone for the fun that we all have. I hope again soon we can have fun :)
Tick tick tick.
Time to grow up. I'm that age...
My late Aunty Vera (rest her soul) was right. I listened to her a few years too late, but I should be acting like an adult. I should be concentrating more on things that are more important than somethings I want to do. Yes, going out every weekend is fun but it isn't what an adult does.
It's time to concentrate on work, party maybe once a month. Get down to doing things that are more important. What exactly does this growing up entail? I'm not entirely sure yet, but I will still have fun but I will be working harder.
I will - in the process - regain my happy disposition. I need to go back to smiling more. I need to feel accomplished and agonize less over things that are petty and obviously beneath 20 year olds (or at least what should be beneath us.)
People around will not influence me. I will not have this anger inside of me anymore, it will be dispelled. I will have to grow up and be mature.
We aren't kids anymore...
Munch Munch!
Anger is very consuming.
Peek-a-boo?
I don't know...I really just don't know. Sometimes things in your life can be going all really well and one thing can just get you all 'blah' like. I normally like to escape to my little happy world of gum drops, unicorns and magic, but today I cannot.
Marked.
Today has been marked for change.
Clap clap clap.
It looks like American's deserve a small pat on the back, as they have recently had a mid-term election replacing their House and Senate members (or something along those lines, American politics are strange to me). So essentially, the Democrats kicked out a lot of the Republicans and are now starting to push pulling their troops out of Iraq, and a 'homosexual agenda' from San Fran (which is to be expected from them).
What's next? I believe Bush has 2 years left on his Presidency. At least American's are starting to see the light, that Republicans aren't the way to go, and showing Bush that he needs to be less corrupt. I was reading some of the things some of the people in the House and Senate that got replaced did...some are under investigation by the FBI, others paid off people they had an extramaritial affair with, all these small little scandles...
Canada is so different...I hope the Canadian people realize that Harper blows and get us a new Prime Minister soon...cause Harper blows. Though I am gainly a little sympathy for other conversative policies that are all about the money saving and such...I still firmly stand against them.
Anyways, time for classsss.
He shoots! He............wait, what?
It feels as though I haven't been setting any long term goals and setting plans and action to it as of late. I haven't really been thinking too much about myself and growth in a while, I've been pre-occupied with...living autonomously - among other things. I've been so focused on how I will be able to do things on my own,
completely seperate from my parents. I've been fairly independent most of my life, but I wanted to take that extra step. I needed to prove to my parents - as well as myself - that I am not a failure at life and that I will be successful and be an adult that they can be proud of.
Too bad along the way I have been letting my school work slide... I should realize that being this independent person isn't as important as doing well in school at the moment. At least I know now that I can be independent and that if I try hard to do something, I can do it. I should ask for help when I need it...come to think of it...I always got a "satisfactory" on that section of my report cards growing up...they were right, and here I thought those sections were useless.
I have a problem with asking for help, I know I do. It's kind of a pride issue...I think that often, I feel that people can't really help me and I have to do it on my own, which is true in a sense. I know I'm emotionally strong enough to deal with anything on my own, I shouldn't though...because I know there are people that care and will listen and it will save my emotional strength for other things I need it for. I'm getting better with that though...I'm talking to people about things...the problem I had earlier was that ultimately I knew that I was the only one who could physically do anything to a problem I was having, so why would I bother? I just do it to get things off my chest now ...but I haven't been setting a plan of action.
So now, I will have to find time to set some plans of action, be a smarter, stronger, better person. This is the goal so far...now for the steps.
I shouldn't be awake.
Yet I am.
While I sit with this little biore nose pore clearing strip waiting for it to solidify so I can get rid of these blackheads. Really just the two that I noticed 15minutes ago...hahah.
Okay, so I'm vain, who isn't nowadays.
But anyways, on to more important thoughts. What is going on? Where has all the love, where has all the love gone? I used to feel more compassionate for people I see that are going through something, now I feel like I don't have time to worry about them because I'm busy trying to be 'strong' and 'independent'.
This is bad, I'm losing balance in my life, but at least making money...to pay rent, and people that I owe money to. Then I have school...I know, no one said this would be easy, and I don't expect it to be...I just need to get some actual relax time in. Is that so hard? Kinda is. Everywhere I go there is something to stress or worry about. Every corner, and when I stop and I feel as though there isn't something to stress about...I stress about myself.
I feel this constant need to be this busy strong indepedent person working to survive in the world on his own, while trying to balance friends family and school. I hate being this 'strong' person who does everything for himself. Who else can I depend on to do it? No one of course, but myself, so I have to be like this...but how do I bring the compassion back? I can sense the problems going on around me...I can, and I want to ask about them, but it makes me feel...weak. If I could just find a balance...to try to work hard and be able to do things on my own, but also care about how people are feeling again...aside from just how I am feeling. It's hard to be less selfish when you are afraid that you can't pay rent, though I know the parents will back me up...I don't like depending on them to do anything.
Money makes people evil...this is my conclusion. I'll find a way around it. I will.
I just hope I can stop thinking about somethings.
