A dreamer...
It feels as though sometimes, that's all that I am. I dream and believe things, then I hope for the best.
I'm not an idiot, I know that things dont always happen in the best way, but there's nothing wrong with hoping that they do...
I mean, I may feel disappointed, but then if I dont feel that disappointment, and vulnerablitiy, and take that risk to feel those...then how would I feel those good things? They wont just fall into my lap, things arent that simple, and by hiding myself from hoping to avoid this disappointed feeling is really just stupid.
I remember again why being hopeful is beneficial. I thank god that it's natural to me and I dont have to work to be hopeful...or else I probably would have stopped a long time ago.
So with a renewed hope, I go on.
Shit, I love Warcraft.
For so many more reasons than actually playing the game...I love warcraft.
Mainly, i love that fact that this game is based on killing the "Horde" which are really other players on the opposing side of the "Alliance". So there are these homophobes on their posting their horrible opinions about gay's...and I'm just so glad that they're playing this game so I can go and "own" them. Even "pwn" if you will. God damn...the ignorance of some people is so astonishing...I'm sure there's something nice about these people inside, but right now its hard to look passed their incredible ability to turn things sour.
Just...wow.
Schooolll
Woo hoo! Its back!...says the loser.
Why am I excited for school? I dont know...(aside from being excited about taking Hydrology!...shaddup) Well, it also gives me more to do in a day. More good times meeting new people and just makes life more interesting. I guess I'll grow sick of it again within the week. I'm already feeling slightly discouraged having to commute almost 2 hours to get there for a 2 hour class.
But hopefully I'll be able to join up with other clubs and stuff which will keep me occupied.
Anyway, yesterday the weirdest thing happened to me. Someone who lives on my street came into work, and was like..."Hey, you live on my street dont you?" to which I replied "Oh, yah! I do live on that street!", and he askes me if I was a student of Sensei Kwong. I didnt understand him because of his heavy accent, until later when I thought about what he was trying to say. Apparently he recognized me from WAY back when I did demonstrations with my Sensei. I mean...I'd like to have think I look different from 3 - 4 years ago! Thats a first tho.
In other news. I have 9 god damn mosquito bites from this 1 mosquito that fly around my room...bastard.
So yah, I have class at 1pm, and 6pm. So today is going to be a long day...Hopefully I'll meet up with the old roomies today. Lots of plans for those 3 hours after the 1pm class...that I hope wont fall through :P
kk, I'm going to go try to cook something new...cause I feel like it.
How to seduce a pisces.
hahaha, this is something Christine sent me. Its pretty damn true for me, so if anyone is looking to be doing some seducing, do these things and dont do those things, hahaha :P
(actually, if you do them just for the sake of doing them...I'll know, so dont :P)
Do ...
... learn to let tragic movies or dramatic pieces of music bring a tear to your eye. Your Pisces will appreciate your sensitivity -- and will kiss your tears away.
... get in touch with your compassion and inner love for every being in the universe. Your Pisces can help you to empathize with all the forces out there, and help you understand why they deserve your love.
... learn how to communicate a thousand expressions of love -- all without saying a word. Your Pisces will be able to read your soul by looking into your eyes.
... offer support to your Pisces; learn how to ground them without dragging them too far down to earth. Your Pisces will teach you how to notice shooting stars and pictures in the clouds.
... think of ways to show your Pisces that a true love story of the classic variety can exist between the two of you today. They will, in turn, show you how this love story can last forever.
... enjoy good art and fine wine -- your Pisces will love you for it.
Don't ...
... rely on your Pisces to be the financially astute one in the relationship. A Pisces would often rather leave financial matters up to others; their mind is in a different place.
... reproach a Pisces too harshly for being a daydreamer instead of a doer. The Fish are known for being in tune with the spiritual, not the material.
... ever knock old-fashioned, hearts-and-flowers true love. Pisces believe that it exists, and are not going to be satisfied with a casual affair instead.
... put down your Pisces by accident; you may injure their feelings without even noticing. A Pisces might not yell or throw things when they get hurt, but they feel it very deeply all the same.
... treat your Pisces too casually; don't toy with them or let them see you play the field. A Pisces does not like this behavior, as it goes against their ideas about true love and spiritual connection.
... subjugate their artistic impulses -- this is a truly creative Sign, and you may be standing in the way of their happiness and a fine piece of art.
Confused Juggling.
I've been feeling off balance lately...and to my surprise...mr. emotionless helped me realise why. (hahaha, I kid Brendan, you have emotions, and actually help me understand my own a bit more.)
I mean...I try to concentrate on positive things and I try to keep things happy...but when I do that, I kinda shut out that other side of the emotional spectrum. Then I dont really want to feel the bad stuff that would be "mean" or whatever, but I do feel them and I just surpress them and try to turn things into a happier situation and a nicer one for everyone.
Lesson one:
I should know surpressing emotions arent good, even if its mean, I should express it some way or another. At least finding an outlet for them through some sort of activity. How did I forget this? I'm not sure. I think I was too focused on trying to make everything positive because everything around me was so negative I felt I needed to balance it out, which is stupid because I should really just think in terms of myself and less of being part of a group.
Lesson two:
Although I do genuinely care (though at times it may not seem it), I do admit that a lot of it is trying to be positive and trying to be nice because I feel like no one else is, so I feel like I have to fill in that position for everyone. There is a definate base that does care, but then the overwhelming urge to fill this need takes over, and then everything seems like its forced, which it almost is. Solution? Stop thinking about what everyone else is doing, and think about what matters to me. Just gota go with my intuition that seems as if it has wandered away from me at the moment.
Lesson three:
Relax. Dont worrie so much about people, as nice as it feels to make other people feel nice because you care and are worried, its true what most people say (namely Jason), its not my place to care/worry and I shouldnt. I do genuinely feel bad, but then people should be able to handle themselves, so I should leave them alone. Man, I was falling back into that high school trap, where I was always trying to talk to people, and make them feel better, and be that caring person for them...when I really shouldnt and I should just care about my family and close friends.
Does this mean I'm going to be mean, impatient and intolerant? (is that used correctly?) No, it doesnt, it does mean that I wont go out of my way to be nice though, and it also means that I wont be neglecting those mean urges I feel, I'll just deal with them differently then surpressing them. But maybe I will be less patient and tolerant for some things and I should just say whats on my mind and not bottle it up. We'll see how that goes...hah!
Its no wonder I havent felt like myself lately, and its no wonder that I havent been able to think deeply lately. Just this sorta...blockage that left me so baffled. I'm slowly remembering who I am. Just me, not associated with some sort of group of forced into a mindset of being a certain way because my mind wants to compensate for what everyone else is doing. Compensate for yourself first bitch! Stupid mind. Back to balance...back to balance..
New York!
Wow, that was a crazy trip!
I dont really wana type all that went on cause I'm lazy. So here are some key words to sum up the trip.
- Brad, Fatima, Jason dyslexia (Why doesnt Ed have one?...NJ...:( Cuisine...Iron...Hover)
- Buster 1 through 10, the number continues to grow.
- Coffee at Macy's Balcony, sharpening the ding.
- Ring...aling...aling...aling.
- Evil wake up calls...and cascading cell phone alarms that I had to turn off :(
- Fobtastic 8...or was it 10?
- Shoppingggg
- Greek/Indian Waitress...thy or breast..."I cant eat that much."
- Off 5th street store - Dressing up
- Quest for alcohol, granted by god. $1 a beer.
- Cheap chinese room service
- Read-age of the bible.
- North Compten Wildcats~
- Quest for bus out of NYC turned into Taxi.
- "Angry" Grace
- Too many Ben Stiller movies.
- Good chicken from small restaurant in NYC.
- Dead feet, except Fatima's...damnit
God...so much that happened, so much I dont remember already just out of exhaustion. But at least our scouting for gay bombing mission is complete. We know what to do next time, and where to go with everyone! Yay! :)
So time for some laundry, and some relaxation.
So hmm...
Wow, its been ages since i've actually used this. Everything has been so crazy! Especially at work with my boss breathing down my neck about stupid little things trying to belittle me and make me feel guilty and work harder for him.
Recently he put camera's in the store...thank god I'm going to NYC for a while and not going to be at that evil place. I frigging have nightmares about that place, and my boss accusing me of stealing and stuff! And then he called me this morning telling me that I screwed up and forgot to press a button on the till that made him have to print out more reports or something...frig.
I just want out of there...clashing on a moral level with your boss just does not work. Shit, oh well. Minor problems that just need a bit of venting.
