Dreams.

Confused Juggling.

I've been feeling off balance lately...and to my surprise...mr. emotionless helped me realise why. (hahaha, I kid Brendan, you have emotions, and actually help me understand my own a bit more.)

I mean...I try to concentrate on positive things and I try to keep things happy...but when I do that, I kinda shut out that other side of the emotional spectrum. Then I dont really want to feel the bad stuff that would be "mean" or whatever, but I do feel them and I just surpress them and try to turn things into a happier situation and a nicer one for everyone.

Lesson one:

I should know surpressing emotions arent good, even if its mean, I should express it some way or another. At least finding an outlet for them through some sort of activity. How did I forget this? I'm not sure. I think I was too focused on trying to make everything positive because everything around me was so negative I felt I needed to balance it out, which is stupid because I should really just think in terms of myself and less of being part of a group.

Lesson two:

Although I do genuinely care (though at times it may not seem it), I do admit that a lot of it is trying to be positive and trying to be nice because I feel like no one else is, so I feel like I have to fill in that position for everyone. There is a definate base that does care, but then the overwhelming urge to fill this need takes over, and then everything seems like its forced, which it almost is. Solution? Stop thinking about what everyone else is doing, and think about what matters to me. Just gota go with my intuition that seems as if it has wandered away from me at the moment.

Lesson three:

Relax. Dont worrie so much about people, as nice as it feels to make other people feel nice because you care and are worried, its true what most people say (namely Jason), its not my place to care/worry and I shouldnt. I do genuinely feel bad, but then people should be able to handle themselves, so I should leave them alone. Man, I was falling back into that high school trap, where I was always trying to talk to people, and make them feel better, and be that caring person for them...when I really shouldnt and I should just care about my family and close friends.

Does this mean I'm going to be mean, impatient and intolerant? (is that used correctly?) No, it doesnt, it does mean that I wont go out of my way to be nice though, and it also means that I wont be neglecting those mean urges I feel, I'll just deal with them differently then surpressing them. But maybe I will be less patient and tolerant for some things and I should just say whats on my mind and not bottle it up. We'll see how that goes...hah!

Its no wonder I havent felt like myself lately, and its no wonder that I havent been able to think deeply lately. Just this sorta...blockage that left me so baffled. I'm slowly remembering who I am. Just me, not associated with some sort of group of forced into a mindset of being a certain way because my mind wants to compensate for what everyone else is doing. Compensate for yourself first bitch! Stupid mind. Back to balance...back to balance..

posted by Bradimon @ 4:29 a.m.