Reality Check continued...
Slowly I'm realising more and more about how I idealize things. I've done it so many times in the past, and I'm doing it right now.
Honestly, I do try to be a nice person, but why should I be nice to someone who's such a huge asshole to me? I'm not going to be mean of course, but why should I be nice? I dont know why I do it. I dont know why I do a lot of things. I think its from fear of being scolded, or even fear of feeling guilty...
Its funnie, I was talking with someone today and I was trying to think of the 'bad' things I've done, because I was being made fun of for being a goodie goodie (Not that it was in a mean way, just all in good fun). But it got me seriously thinking...
I mean, yah, being positive is good, being optumistic is good, but then there always seems to be a lingering 'catch', much like on those cell phone commercials. No one said life should be easy, and I dont think that it will be, and I dont really want it to be or else whats the fun in that? But there's a difference between things being challenging and hard, and things being...well...
Hmm..okay, I guess its just a different kind of hard...I mean, physically hard, or mentally challenging I can handle...but emotionally hard...thats the hardest kind of hard. I really shouldnt shy away from something being emotionally challenging, thats a cowards way of thinking. I need to learn to be assertive and less passive...Thats gonna be hard considering I've always been the passive nice guy, but to be assertive....thats gonna be one of the hardest things to do for me.
No giving up. I want the old strong willed Brad back. The one that would try his hardest to be nice, to help people and to be positive...I know I talked about the "catch" but you know what? I dont care about that anymore. I should help my friends out more again, care less about myself, I think I've had a sufficient amount of time to get over my own issues by being selfish...its time to give back...again.
I hope I can remember how to be the old me. I guess its about time this break of being mean and selfish is over.
P.S.
You know...I really wasnt wanting to put this blog back for people to see, because most people have forgotten about it...but I think I will. There's no reason to hide my feelings. They're my opinion and just thoughts, if you wana read'em and disagree with them and or judge me on them on your own, then thats your business. Nothing to hide.
Reality Check.
Okay, so my thinking has turned pretty objective today. Subjective thinking can be so much more torturous. I think I see things for how they 'really' are. This isnt really a bad or good thing, its just...a thing (for the lack of a better expression).
I kinda have this weird sinking feeling in my stomach, and things are strange. I dont know what to think. I think I think too much! I should just let my feelings guide me, isnt that how life should be? Just feeling and things going the way they do. Thinking gives people too much choice, and sometimes too many doubts when you really can find the answer if you just use your emotions.
I think I understand this strange strange world that much more.
P.S. That damn horoscope site is so accurate its scary! Go to
www.astro.com! You'll need to know your time of birth for it to be more accurate.
Pessimistic.
Well, what happened...?
I've become more pessimistic. Strange little Justine was right. Why? Well, I have a theory why, but as they say, "Ours is not to wonder why, ours is but to do and die."
Anyways, its time to get that young optumism back that someone has so maliciously stolen from me. Too bad I can make it come back now that I've recognized that its gone.
Life will be even better now that I'll bring it back.
Hmm
So I've realised...I'm a racist.
What am I going to about it now? Nothing. Thats what. Okay, I'm not your stereotypical picture of a racist...for example...I dont hate other races. I prefer to be around my race, but I dont hate other races. And so whats wrong with that? I'm not discriminating, and I'm not hurting anyone's feelings, I will be friends with other races of course, but I can still prefer my own race because they understand me better.
I guess its really not racism. Its like how guys like to hang out with guys, and girls like to hang out with girls for certain things. Does that make them sexest? Nah, it doesnt. So why should this make me racist. I guess I take it back, I'm not a racist, I just prefer the company of people that are of my culture. Chinese Canadians. Some can only understand what we understand, just like I'll never fully understand some of the other cultures, I can admire them from afar, but I cant be a part of them fully.
Time to embrace my chinese-ness, and if other people have a problem with that, they can shove it up their gay hating man-ginas (hah!). Cause frig, its my right to prefer things, so I will.
Aiya.
Frigging drama.
Living with this (for the lack of a better term) fucking faggot is so trying. He enjoys testing my patience. I feel sorrie for the ugly bugger, I really do. I mean, if I were that socially incapable and ugly to boot, I'd probably shoot myself. He's not even worth my aggression though, so whatever, I'll let it go.
In other news, things are doing quite well with school and stuff. But friggin bio ethical issues thing. I shoulda got 90% on it, but i did works cited wrong, and somehow lost 20 marks for it...so I get 70. At least my presentation I got a 90...but still. Argh! I did it part drunk too! Hahahah. Sad :P
Unexpected twist.
There's a twist...and I havent felt this for a while.
Its good. Very good.
