Ready...Aim...!
The other day, Seann asked me if I would be happy if I died tomorrow. I told him definitively; yes. He questioned how I knew, when I hadn't experienced it yet. I told him I knew, and I was happy with my life as it has come to pass.Today that has changed.
Not because I am less happy, and not because I am unsure of how I would feel, but I am even more sure that I would be be content if everything ended tomorrow. I realize now that I have been living my dream for the last two years. Okay, maybe saying "my dream" is too much to describe it as, but I have accomplished my main goal in life already and I will continue to throughout my life. I have been so concerned with learning, growing and pushing myself to work in the my field that I lost sight of why I wanted to be in this field.
I want to help people. I want to help people feel good about themselves, to help them cope with issues that come their way, to brighten people's outlooks on life, and to make them feel safe and cared for. That is what I want most from my life, that is what I feel brings me the most meaning to life. Is it selfish? Yes it is. I feel good when I do this for other people. I feel good when I am there for other people. Not from some deep insecurity of my own where I want to feel needed, but out of the sheer joy of being there for a person in need.
There have been many nights where I cried...I didn't think I could get through school, go on through interviews, look for jobs, network, and go through all the troublesome things one must do to get their career. My focus was shifted and becoming a social worker meant equalled helping people. I didn't realize that every call I took at the DC that I was accomplishing my goal effortlessly. My mind was focused on pushing forward, I thought..."I'm a student, learning, growing, hoping to scrape up a job that can give me experience!...So I can make money!" Money clouded my vision.
I now realize that I don't feel horrible working for a job as a server. Yes, I will be a server again for money, but that doesn't mean my life goals cannot be accomplished at the tender age of 23. Does that mean I'm done? Hells no. I will work my butt off to get further and expand my goal and it will grow as I grow.
I get bogged down by people's critiques.
"Brad only does this to make himself feel good."
"Brad isn't introspective enough."
"Are you sure you can handle that Brad? It's harder than you think it is!"
I was silly to be concerned.
I feel fully renewed for the first time in a long time.
