Ready...Aim...!
The other day, Seann asked me if I would be happy if I died tomorrow. I told him definitively; yes. He questioned how I knew, when I hadn't experienced it yet. I told him I knew, and I was happy with my life as it has come to pass.
Today that has changed.
Not because I am less happy, and not because I am unsure of how I would feel, but I am even more sure that I would be be content if everything ended tomorrow. I realize now that I have been living my dream for the last two years. Okay, maybe saying "my dream" is too much to describe it as, but I have accomplished my main goal in life already and I will continue to throughout my life. I have been so concerned with learning, growing and pushing myself to work in the my field that I lost sight of why I wanted to be in this field.
I want to help people. I want to help people feel good about themselves, to help them cope with issues that come their way, to brighten people's outlooks on life, and to make them feel safe and cared for. That is what I want most from my life, that is what I feel brings me the most meaning to life. Is it selfish? Yes it is. I feel good when I do this for other people. I feel good when I am there for other people. Not from some deep insecurity of my own where I want to feel needed, but out of the sheer joy of being there for a person in need.
There have been many nights where I cried...I didn't think I could get through school, go on through interviews, look for jobs, network, and go through all the troublesome things one must do to get their career. My focus was shifted and becoming a social worker meant equalled helping people. I didn't realize that every call I took at the DC that I was accomplishing my goal effortlessly. My mind was focused on pushing forward, I thought..."I'm a student, learning, growing, hoping to scrape up a job that can give me experience!...So I can make money!" Money clouded my vision.
I now realize that I don't feel horrible working for a job as a server. Yes, I will be a server again for money, but that doesn't mean my life goals cannot be accomplished at the tender age of 23. Does that mean I'm done? Hells no. I will work my butt off to get further and expand my goal and it will grow as I grow.
I get bogged down by people's critiques.
"Brad only does this to make himself feel good."
"Brad isn't introspective enough."
"Are you sure you can handle that Brad? It's harder than you think it is!"
I was silly to be concerned.
I feel fully renewed for the first time in a long time.
Dream Log: 01/21/08
Dream Part I:
Paige and Piper were in the dream. Fighting against something that would grab them and sink into the walls, like Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) of X-Men. When this happened they lost parts of their body. Paige in lost part of her fingers while fighting this thing. Piper blew something up on the couch. The rest is kind of a blur.
Dream Part II:
I was some blonde chick in what seemed like a movie with Jim Carrey where he was some assassin who falls in love with the blonde girl he has to kill. She ends up thwarting the plan, and the reason that his organization wanted to kill her was because she was smart and the other organization of 'good' assassins/spies wanted her. She wasn't aware of any of this, but outwitted Jim Carrey at each step. Jim looked like the character he played in "Number 23"...but maybe a bit crazier.
It's okay.
Bring the rain and I will be cold, wet and sad...until I see my sunshine again.
Hope
I am alone laying down in a dark room with no sound. So this is how it feels..
Good night.
*Glass Shattering*
Borax is a funny word.
I'm right! bitches.
It's really interesting to see other people's points of view. Of course we always think that we are the ones that are right, but who is to really say that we are? Maybe within our society one person can be 'right' but ultimately I don't think anyone is. This isn't really news, but the part that I am finding interesting enough to blog about right now is how people deal with it.
I have ideas that I can logically back up sometimes, and sometimes I don't. Even with logic and proof behind you and with experts who agree, people will still not always agree with you, even if you are 'right' in terms of society. When that happens, I do get a little bit disheartened, but at the same time I do have to respect how everyone else thinks. Who cares if I am right or someone else is right? It's stupid to try and convert them to your way of thinking. That's a little bit too christian for me. Does this justify me thinking less of the person? Maybe. I guess this is what is interesting to me, this idea of judgement.
I know I judge so many things, and I know that I'm not really someone to judge. It's really just something a lot of people say, but I've never really felt it's meaning as strongly until right now actually. Why do we turn to judging things? To make ourselves feel better and eliminate our insecurities? Or just so we can label something?
hmmm...not the most innovative idea, but something that just popped into my mind.
There's going to be traffic!
I had this awesome dream where I was in the future. It was a really long dream and a lot of it has faded by now... The more awesome part of it was I met my future spouse and child. Though the child was not mine (it was his) and I could not see the face of my potential husband... The feeling was there. It was amazing!
Everyone was looking at us smiling, slightly envious of how happy we were, but still happy for us. There was a class or some sort of seminar that we were attending. Everyone was there as and we were all learning together. I think it was some sort of outdoor education centre, and there was a small man-made waterfall that the kids (there were several) were playing at the base of. The rest of us were eating at the top of the waterfall on deck of sorts with the waterfall originating at the centre of the deck towards the edge.
Everyone was at a long banquet type table.
Mmm..though his face was blurry, I knew he was older and a little bit bigger than me. He was wearing blue ontop long sleeve...I think jeans too.
Anyways, it was just a dream. If it were a premonition..I'd be so happy to see. Regardless, it left a warm feeling inside and maybe a little bit of hope for the future.
Ouch! That hurts.
I apologize for being very sensitive the passed few days. I blame stress! School and work are starting to take over my life. Not that it didn't really take it over before.
I feel the need to express some of this hyper-sensitivity right now, seeing as I was holding it in when I was feeling weird. It just seems as though people do not care about my feelings. It's probably my own fault because I've left a pattern where I just suck up my emotions and try to get things done for the good of the team...but I've been expected to just suck it up - which is the part that I do not appreciate. If I am trying to hold my emotions back because I feel the need to push for everything else, then that's fine, I'm okay with that but you cannot tell me to hold my emotions back and then laugh at me when I'm upset.
I'm not sure if I'm upset enough to be quiet and shut up all the time, but I'd still like to see my feelings validated and not just laughed at. A lot of people seem to be on this "Brad is stupid, who cares about how he feels" kick. Some of my best friends don't care or notice how I feel anymore, granted everyone has their own things going on in their lives and I shouldn't expect them to think about my feelings, but I would appreciate it a lot more.
I think it's pretty evident that I am a very emotional person, and a lot of me is in my emotions. Maybe because other people aren't as based in their emotions they do not understand how it is to be emotions based. In anycase, I can't blame anyone if I don't say anything about it. So I really just need to take a breath on let my emotions be expressed. So here they are. I'm not asking anyone to change or criticizing anyone at all here. I understand everyone has their own priorities and issues to deal with; I just wanted to express how I feel.
