Dreams.

Weird moment.

I'm having a weird moment, I'm not exactly sure whats going on with this feeling. Is it insecurity? What do I really have to feel insecure about? I think it's my brain, I'm not feeling particularly smart at the moment. I havent retained much information in the passed year. I really should be a lot smarter after first year university...yet somehow I feel less intellegent.

Granted, I'm not trying my hardest to be smart right now, but thats not the point. I guess I'm just used to different standards of learning when things were easy. I'm still not as adjusted to university as I'd like to be...yah know...the point where I learn to study. That should change...I kinda feel like reading over my textbooks again so I can prepare for this upcoming year so I can rock U of T and show myself that I really am smarter with studying.

I know my fear of studying is really quite irrational. I believe it was called the self-handicapping (god that took me way too long to remember...). Well, I dont have a fear of studying itself...I fear the results after I study. I mean...I can do average if I dont study, but I'm afraid that I wont do better if I do and that I've reached a limit to what I already do. It may sound stupid and irrational to a lot of people, but to me it makes sense. I've seen patterns in my learning enough to fear this. So I self handicap to compensate. If I dont study, and occupy myself with other things, then I can blame myself less for not studying.

So anyway, I really should be reading stuff and learning in the summer still. Its a break from being marked, not learning...

posted by Bradimon @ 4:58 a.m.