Dreams.

Happiness never seems to last...
It sucks.

Gawd...
I honestly hate school...
I really do love to learn, but i hate our fucking system of learning.
I KNOW MY FUCKING STUFF, BUT THEN TESTS FUCKING SCREW ME OVER...
GAWD...
And thats not the only thing I'm pissed off about, though it prompted a lot more.

Lets label these in categories.
1) School
2) Family
3) Friends

The typical 3.

School, basically above.
so we'll move onto family

They piss the fuck out of me soooooooooooooo many times.
Sure we have fun and we love each other, but GAWD, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE SOMETIMES...I'm NOT YOUR FUCKING PET.
Enough said. As there has been ample bitching about family earlier.

The 3rd is probably the worst right now.
I honestly dont feel that I belong with any of you. None of the groups. Not that I'm better than any of you, its that I just dont fit.

Lets start off with the Felix Spencer group..the group i feel i fit in with the most...
We have great times and everything...but then you add other people and things get weird.
You guys seem to migrate to the other people and I'm left in the dust.
Not to mention the fact that they all speak chinese, and I'm left again. Its not that big a deal, i still really feel the best with you guys...but at the same time distant.
Also the fact that I really dont think you care too much about me felix. But I have been noticing a few changes in that, so its not a big deal, its just a bunch of really little things. None of these things are HUGE problems, but then you add them up and it just kinda pushes me away. A perfect example of this would have been yesterday, when Peter was driving us home, and sam, simon, julie, peter and shem were there. Everyone just kinda...disappeared, and there I was. And everyone was speaking chinese so i didnt kno what was going on...its not a huge problem, but its just not nice..not to mention school shit piling up for us, and kinda seperating us. Iuno...I just feel really outcast sometimes...probably my fault...

Next, the Jess group...
You're kinda in a league of your own right now =P Iuno, we spend enough time together to make our own group. I feel comfortable around for the most part. I got no beef with you right now =P

Next off, the Nathan Eric Cynthia group.
I guess we havent hung out in a while, and thats probably why i dun feel so great with you guys. And you always seem busy, and doing other stuff, namely bowling now, and I just dun do that. Nathan is always busy with swimming and school, so we dun get to talk as much nemore, and Eric n cynthia are always busy, I dont really know Adrian all that well, and Jason is a nice guy, but i dun really know him that well. For some reason something is awkward between Steven and I. I dont think anything is wrong with us, its just oddly awkward for no particular reason. And you guys dun seem to always want me there, so I guess thats that..

Next, Sandy, Carolyn, Catherine, Christine, Ryan group.
You guys have been really good friends for a while, or at least a while before I came along, and I just feel really not in place. Its not your fault at all, its mostly me, i dont know why I dont feel fit in...but things just seem so much weirder...and everyone is going through something there, people not liking this person, and that person, and I just dont really like gettin in the middle of that. I feel really distant from you all right now, partly because we havent been calling each other out much lately, but thats both our faults, more the school's fault. but i guess thats the way the cookie crumbles. I duno what to do...its just...messy...Dont get me wrong, you guys have been opening and welcoming, maybe its just me...

Its probably my fault for all these stupid problems...
Whatever, well, since my grades are dropping, i'm setting a limit, and I'm not letting myself go out unless I've studied. And I'm going to start studying really early and not going out on saturdays, only fridays now..

Anyway, Tim has kinda dropped out of the friendship ring, going to hermit his ass in the study world, and I think thats probably a good solution for me too...no more going out on saturday and sunday. Weekends are devoted to work.

Maybe after midterms next semister I can cool off, but not until then...i am NOT going to stay an extra year.

The End.

posted by Bradimon @ 5:21 p.m.